A Love Unspoken Leaves My Heart Broken
by ShimmerandShine29
Summary: ***REDONE*** Edward has left Bella. He sees what this action has done to her. He is miserable. When he tries to patch up her world, will she accept him again? Or will she reciprocate and leave him with a broken heart?BPOV&EPOV...rated for language & stuff
1. Chapter 1: Prologue

_How is a heart supposed to beat when it's bleeding?_

_How is it expected to live while it's grieving?_

_How is it supposed to love when it's broken?_

_All because of a love left unspoken._


	2. Chapter 2:Escape

**Disclaimer: If I owned Twilight, I would be the happiest girl in the world. Now, I'm only second happiest. **

**REVIEW!!! (:****Please****:)**

**EPOV**

I am an awful person. I deserve to be burned alive. I deserve to be tortured and then not given the courtesy of death. Death is too peaceful for a_ thing_ like me. It's too easy of an escape. Life is a prison for my kind- a shameless containment. But when I met this seemingly insignificant human, the prison door was opened and I was freed from the handcuffs that restrained me from feeling…well…_anything_. I was an escape convict and was allowed to love and be loved.

And then I voluntarily turned myself in. I left her. Like the stupid, bloodsucking demon that I am- I left. And now I was not alone in the prison, for she was there as well. I had brought her into my world, I showed her the brightest of it- and now she was being shown the darkest. She was left in a cell all alone, with no one to love, and without being loved- or, should I say, _knowingly _being loved.

Of course I loved her. I'd be a fool not to. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was funny- however unintentionally so. She was charming. She was loving.

She was _mine. _

Now she only belongs to herself. I thought I had freed her from a world of darkness. Instead, I had pushed her into one. I screamed at the visions that my sister had shown me- the visions of her verbally beating herself. However, they were nowhere near as horrible as the other visions- the visions of her _physically_ abusing herself.

She wasn't _actually abusing_ herself-- at least, I pray to God she wasn't. She just wasn't taking care of herself anymore. She wasn't _alive_ anymore. I try to save her from eternal death by leaving her so she could live a happy, _human_ life, and she dies. She gives up.

What made me so concerned? I didn't care about her, right? I didn't wish she was by my side every minute of the day, right? Of course I did.

I had been fighting this for so long..._too_ long. I had no idea I was capable of having those feelings--_these_ feelings. I had no idea what to make of them. So, how was I supposed to show them? How was I supposed to love her when I knew she couldn't possibly love me back?

Then she had to say those three little words in her sleep, and I believed her. I had to believe her, who in their right mind would go through that whole experience for someone they didn't love? For someone they didn't at least care about? Unless it was for the money, but it couldn't be that in her case.

She wasn't superficial, far from it actually. At first I thought she was just playing along with the 'love' game because she figured she would get some materialistic joy out of it. She would prosper from pretending to be in love with me. But then she rejected every gift given to her, and that's when I knew. I knew she did love me for _me_, she did.

But the knowledge that _that_ is absolutely impossible contradicted my own realizations. I am meant to walk the gravel of Earth alone. I would never be graced with such generous adoration. Therefore, there was no reservation in her heart kept for me.

But her words kept creeping back into my mind. The anguished and dejected tone that was their companion did not escape the confines of my memory either. That entire conversation kept echoing through the thin walls of my psyche, and with each encore came a new, strong assurance that she did, in fact, love me. She loved me; she truly and honestly loved me. I knew that now.

I _kn__ew_ that.

So, why did I keep denying it?

I'll tell you why: fear. Fear of falling too deep. Fear of loving too much. Fear of being loved by someone who didn't understand its full strength.

I had never truly been loved like that before. I had never had someone revive my heart. I had never had a best friend. I had never had someone be willing to die for me.

Not until Bella.


	3. Chapter 3: A New Beginning

**EPOV**

Home. It was a strange feeling to be in a house that used to be so full of life, and have it now be nearly inhospitable. It felt wrong to be here alone. I was sitting on my couch, the very couch that I used to cuddle up with Bella on. It was a bad idea to come here. I thought it would make the pain go away, if just for the briefest of periods. Instead, every square foot brought on a new memory. I remember one time, we were sitting on this couch…

_"Edward, why are you doing this?" she asked in an exasperated tone. _

_"Because, contrary to your beliefs, you deserve to have something nice."_

_"But…_Tiffany's_!! Couldn't you have just given me a…I don't know…a pair of socks or something?!" I laughed lightly at this, like I would ever get the love of my life a pair of _socks_._

_"No, I couldn't."_

_"But it's not even my birthday!" She lifted herself off of the couch so now she was standing further away than I wanted. Aching to be closer, I stood up as well and stood so I was directly in front of her._

_"Doesn't matter; think of it as a 'get well soon' gift."_

_"My leg healed over a month ago."She gave me an incredulous look._

_"So think of it as a congratulations on getting better."_

_"People don't congratulate people on getting better. Or if they do, they say so in a simple card."_

_"Well, I'm not people." I gave her a smirk at my inference._

_"No, you're not people. You're too perfect to be people."_

_"True."_

_"I'm serious, Edward. You're perfect." I rolled my eyes and snorted at this clouded observation. _

_"Okay, maybe not perfect. But you're perfect for me." She walked over to me, linked her arms around my neck and stood on the tip of her toes to press a kiss to my lips. _

_"And thank you, no matter how ridiculous it is, the necklace is still absolutely beautiful." Once she let go, I held her up so she was looking straight into my eyes._

_"I love you, Bella."_

_"I love you, Edward. More than you'll ever know." And I shaped my lips to hers once again. _

Alice's voice dragged me back to the present.

"Edward, you need to do something about this, you need to fix-," but I cut her off. The phone reception was getting a little less clear, but the anger in Alice's voice was still very apparent.

"Alice, I know I need to. I just don't know _how_ to. I can't just walk back to her and act like nothing ever happened." _Could I?_ No, I couldn't. I wouldn't. She deserved more than that. She deserved to be given choices.

"I know. I wish I could help you, but I can't," there was a desperation in her voice that was rare for Alice.

"Can't you tell me how it will work out so that way I can just go to her already?" I was physically aching to run to Bella, to take her in my arms and forget my mistakes.

"I can't see an outcome since you haven't done anything about it, jackass." There was a sour tone to her voice now, and when she immediately hung up on me I knew I had really pissed her off, and an angry Alice was not fun to deal with.

I pressed the 'end call' button on the phone in my hands and threw it across my room. I started to wonder what I would be doing right now if I hadn't left her. I started to picture us here, on my couch, laying her head down on my chest while I held her and wove my fingers through her soft hair, all the while telling her that I would never let her go.

What was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to say? How was I going to explain what my life had become? Would I receive sympathy or sorrow? If I had to take a guess, I would probably say the latter. No one would give a monster something he doesn't deserve. You don't receive sympathy when you throw this upon yourself- you receive pity. Would she pity me? Would she tell me she was shocked, but happy nonetheless that I came back?

Yes, she would be happy. I had to believe that. I forced myself to. Something had to make me run back to her. And it was hope. It was the hope that a lost love could be found. It was the hope that things could be made right. It was the hope that we could be brought back to life.

We would be able to live again.

This simple realization fueled my body to run after her. To run after Bella. To run after an old love that was still very alive and new.

To run after a new beginning.

**BPOV**

It had been ten months. Ten long, agonizing, _unbearably lonely_ months—and I still hadn't moved on. I still hadn't let go of the fact that he wasn't here. I still hadn't grasped the concept that he was never going to be here again. The fact that I would have to settle for a life of solitude.

If I wasn't loved by him, then I didn't want to be loved by anyone. _Oh, yeah, that's healthy. You might as well go jump off a cliff right now. _Like I could actually do that. Like I, Isabella fucking Swan, could jump off of a cliff? I couldn't do that. I couldn't give up so easily on life.

_Like you haven't given up already?_

No, I'm still alive, aren't I?

_You think you can call yourself _alive_? You call this miserable existence '_living'_?_

Well, maybe I'm not living life to the fullest, but…

_But _what_? Face it; you've been dead from the second he uttered that single 'no'. _

And so it went on. I kept warring with myself over what I had—or had not—become. I finally realized that my inner voice was right, I _was_ dead. I just hadn't gone through the formality of actually leaving the Earth.

And so I decided I should.

* * *

**PLEASE REVIEW**


	4. Chapter 4: Making Peace

**Disclaimer: When I blew out my birthday candles in January, I wished to be the owner of Twilight so I could have Edward all to me-self.  
When I saw a shooting star a couple of years ago, I wished to own Kings of Leon so they could play for me whenever I wanted.  
Neither of these wishes came true. :( *but hey, there's always next year :)**

**BPOV**

After I came to my decision, I started going through ways of how to…umm…_pass_. Some ideas that crossed my mind I knew I could never go through with. Others were so complicated that I didn't think I even had enough energy to pull them off. I was soon out of ways to make this happen, and was just not in the mood to think anymore. I was also not in the mood to sulk around the house like I have been lately, so I went outside and revved up the old piece of fucked up junk that was my truck.

I wasn't on the road for long before the rain started, but this was actually a relief. After Ed…_he_ left, I started to warm up more and more to the rain. I soon discovered myself finding solace within every passing storm, each individual raindrop giving me a new level of serenity.

Renee used to say that 'a peaceful mind leads a peaceful life.' But here is what I have come to know within these past months: life is never peaceful; it is but a tragedy that ends with its only peace: death. Life should be feared and death should be welcomed. For in death, there is no disappointment. In death, there is no calamity. Death is where the tranquility of life lies.

I pulled into the clearing, driving in a circle until the rear of the truck was facing the edge of the cliff. This was my sanctuary, I came here whenever I needed to just take a step back from life and be left alone with my thoughts. The storm was picking up now, but I didn't care. I opened the glove compartment, looking for my Kings of Leon CD. Instead of the many CD cases I was expecting, I was met with the sight of pieces of paper falling to the ground. When I picked them up, I realized they weren't paper: they were pictures. Most were just family photos that had been put in my new photo album, the one that E— _he_ took in an attempt to make me forget. I was about to put them on the seat next to me when I saw a stray photo on the ground, face-down. When I picked it up, my breath caught at the sight, I remember that Alice had snuck up on us and taken this picture.: we were in his room, my head lying on his chest while he cradled me, both of us wearing huge smiles on our faces. I looked closer, and on my neck was the necklace he had given me that day—a picturesque Tiffany's necklace that had a beautiful blue topaz teardrop diamond surrounded by white diamonds hanging from a single crystal. I had asked Edward why he picked blue topaz for the diamond. He told me that since my favorite color was topaz (because of his eyes) and his was blue (his favorite color on me), that it was a compromise of the two.

About an hour went by, and all I had done in that time period was stare at that picture. My focus was so entirely set on the history there, the story it was telling me, that the rain had become inaudible to my senses. I decided that it was getting rather uncomfortable inside the truck and in the past few months I had developed some sort of claustrophobia, so I started putting the pictures away. I tried and tried but the photos would not go far back enough to not spill out the next time I opened the compartment, which was strange because I never kept anything besides three CDs in it. When I bent down to look inside of it in an effort to find the offending blockade, I had to will back the threatening tears in my eyes. The cause of the objection was a long blue velvet box, one that I thought I had lost forever with his departure. My body acted on its own accord, despite my mind's objection, and my hand reached out to touch the soft fabric, bringing the velvet out of its confinement and into my direct view. I told my hand to stop there, to not let this go any further, for fear that my sanity would fully be lost if I found what was inside. I didn't know if I was more fearful of finding it to be empty or of finding its purpose nestled into the creased lines of the interior. However, my hand did not seem to be connected to my brain at this point, and slowly—excruciatingly so—opened the box. Snuggling in the sea of midnight material was the very necklace that my eyes had been fixed on for over an hour prior, in all of its sparkling diamond beauty. I needed to get out of this space, I needed to just step back. Not caring about and completely ignoring my surrounding environment, including the rain, I pressed play on the CD in the player and opened the rear window so I could hear the music flowing from the speakers while I lay down in the back of my truck. I needed to go into my thinking spot. After all, I had a whole bunch of shit to sort through.

I ventured to the back of my truck, putting the necklace in my pocket and clutching the picture in my hand under my jacket to protect it from the rain. What does it matter if it is only thirty-five degrees? I was numb—so, so numb. Feeling has been a lost cause for quite a while. I started contemplating how I got to this point, how I became…whatever it is that I am now. Curling up with my knees pressed against my chest and my arms gathered around them, I watched below as the angry waves of the impending storm crashed upon each other without mercy, and then the music started its fluid sound in the air.

_I'm on the corner, waiting for a light to come on, _

_That's when I know that you're alone. _

_It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground, _

_Special unspoken without sound. _

I took the picture out again, shielding its delicacy with my jacket that I had taken off. Only illuminated by the meager light shining through the foggy mist that had enveloped the small town, the picture was only slightly visible. That didn't make him any less beautiful. I stared intently at the photograph in my hands, as if I would be able to find the answer to every question I had in his captured eyes. As I gazed longingly at his face, I couldn't help but feel the pain again—and it was back with a vengeance

_You told me you loved me, that I'd never die alone,_

_Hand over your heart, let's go home. _

_Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs, _

_I've always been known to cross lines._

I needed…I needed…hell, I don't know what I needed. I needed so many things that they all kept getting jumbled together, trying to find their way to be met. I tried sorting through them, but the more I tried, the more they would get mixed together.

_I've never ever cried when I was feeling down, _

_I've always been scared of the sound. _

_Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load, _

_I'm too young to feel this old. _

"Hi." It was a simple word. One that I had grown to hate because of its uselessness. It reminded me of myself in that way. So, when Edward spoke it next to me, I ignored it. But I still wanted to talk to him.

"Long time, no see." Sarcasm had become my great friend, taking the place of actual people in my life. It had been a long time though—a whole two days since my last hallucination.

Neither of us talked for awhile, my imagination clearly running out of things to have him say. All the while, I studied the photograph in my hands, still trying to figure out what I had done wrong.

"Put your jacket on. You're going to catch pneumonia if you don't." I smirked at his words, congratulating myself for finding more words for him to say—and in a protective manner, no less!

"Please, put it on. For me? Besides, aren't you cold in a tank top?"

Mentally patting myself on the back for continuing with this conversation, I replied, "You know, I like the cold. Love it, really. I find warmth in it, just like I find warmth in the rain." This was nothing but the naked truth—I had grown to love the cold just as I had the rain, because it was the only way to feel his skin against mine. I peered over at him, finding him looking at me intensely, hope shining in his golden gaze.

The howling winds of the storm reminded me of why I was here, and I finally found my way. I had finally come to peace with this, with my decision. This was the last thing that needed to be done before I died—I needed to speak with Edward once more. This being accomplished, I pulled out my necklace from the jacket pocket, exchanging it with the picture of our once unbreakable—now just unrequited—love.

"Can you put this on me?" He turned to me then, holding out his palms for the intricate jewel, a small smile playing at his lips. Once he had successfully undone the clasp, he moved to put the thin silver chain around my neck. I lifted my drenched hair to give him better access, and he sealed the piece of jewelry before placing a gentle kiss on the side of my neck.

With that final sign of longed for affection, the weight was lifted from my soul, and I felt as though I could be swept away by the soothing tons of the rain. I had found what I had needed. I had found what I had deserved. I had found my final peace—I had found closure.

Standing from the truck and jumping down in the mud, I pulled the photo from my jacket and placed it in my jeans pocket, quickly as to not be damaged by the rain. Making peace with the figure in my truck, I walked away towards the edge of the cliff, saying, "Goodbye, Edward. I don't need you anymore." As I smiled, I noticed a change in his features before he sprinted off into the dense forest where he would fade back into my mind. He had almost looked pained, but was too quick for me to be sure.

I turned towards the water, watching as the waves collided with the jagged edge of the cliff. After one minute of calculating my fall, I heard the final notes of the music in my truck.

_Is it you, is it me, _

_Or does nobody know, nobody see, _

_Nobody but me._

And, taking one final breath, I jumped.

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, I'm horrible for not updating. SORRY!!!!!! I'll try not to let it happen again. While you're waiting for the next update, go on over to my profile and check out my other two stories—HDHA is after New Moon and a little different, and also funny(I hope)…and BFT is a series of one-shots with B and E singing to some tunes. I know, I'm shameless when it comes to plugging. How about giving me some ideas with REVIEWS? YAY, REVIEWS!!!!!!**


	5. Chapter 5: An Empty Hallucination

**A/N: I got a message asking where the poem in the prologue was from, so I'm letting you know that all poetry written in this story is written by me. If there is one that is not, it will be acknowledged in an author's note. **

**P.S. --- I KNOW I SUCK at updating!!!!**

**REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW!**

**EPOV**

One month.

It had been one month since I saved Bella from drowning. She had told me she didn't need me anymore, so I ran away with the pain, leaving her to her life.

That was the dumbest thing I had ever done.

It would have been difficult to find her, if not for my sister's desire for us to be back together. She had called, leaving only one word, "cliff", and then hung up. That's what led me to Bella, to our conversation, and eventually, her rejection.

I was close to the edge of the forest when I heard a splash, and then the screaming echo of Bella's fearful cry. I assume it was fearful, why else could she be letting out loud yelps? I had saved her, and once she was safely on shore and breathing, I ran again. I ran before she saw me. I ran before she could tell me to leave. I ran before my heart could break any more.

I spent the next couple of hours wallowing in the pain of Bella's rejection. But had I not inflicted this upon myself? Had I not specifically told her I wanted her to move on? I did.

And now I have no goddamn clue why.

With each passing moment, the hole had grown bigger and bigger and with it, my need for Bella. My need for her love, her touch, her kiss…

I needed to see her now. I needed to make sure she was still okay after her 'incident'. I needed to touch her skin to make sure she was not damaged.

That is how I ended up in her room, reading her diary and praying to God that she would take me back. I opened it and my eyes burned with an intense pain, similar to that of my heart at the moment, as I read the first poem written on the page.

_Tell me,_

_Have you forgotten_

_All the love that we shared?_

_Have you forgotten_

_How truly I cared?_

_Have you forgotten_

_How I loved you so?_

_Have you forgotten_

_You were a friend, now a foe?_

_Have you forgotten_

_The life that we had?_

_Have you forgotten_

_How you made me so sad?_

_Have you forgotten_

_How deeply I fell for you?_

_Have you forgotten_

_How you broke my heart in two?_

_Tell me, _

_Have you forgotten?_

The hole in my chest grew impossibly larger and more painful with each word I read on the page. How could I have destroyed such a beautiful creature? Despite the ache that her words gave me, my own twisted heart silently rejoiced at them, seeing how much need was prominent in the tone of the story told. My own twisted mind told me that there was almost a full guarantee that she would welcome me with open arms after being so heartbroken. Then my own twisted brain agreed with both of them.

_Tell me,_

_Do you remember_

_Living a lie?_

_Do you remember_

_Saying goodbye?_

_Do you remember_

_Watching me cry?_

_Do you remember_

_Looking into my eyes?_

_Do you remember_

_Seeing me die?_

_Tell me, _

_Do you remember?_

"Yes. I do remember," I said aloud, forgetting for a moment where I was. Closing the poetry book in my hands, I was brought back by the thud of a towel on the floor. Looking up to see the source of the sound, I saw what I desperately needed to see. Standing there, in the doorway, was a very shower-soaked, very wide-eyed, and very ferociously angry Bella.

**BPOV **

It was official: my sanity was deceased. That was the only way to explain why this illusion was sitting across from me on my bed, staring so intensely that I felt I should hide in the corner to protect myself from the heat of its piercing gaze.

Taking a shower. That's it. Taking a shower and getting dressed for the day (which, nowadays, consisted of pajama shorts and a sweatshirt)- all innocent acts. So what did I do to deserve this mirage to once again reappear, bringing with it the throbbing pain of rejection? Before, I would have welcomed it with a great big smile on my face, I would have run to it- chased it, I would have even _begged _for it.

Not anymore.

I had been hurt too deeply; I had been too badly scarred with the burn of deception, to want this again. How could this illusion just waltz back into my life, into my _room_ no less, like nothing had happened? How could he believe that _that_ was okay? How could he think that I would even want to lay my eyes on his deceivingly gorgeous face?

**Who the **_**hell**_** did he think he was?! **

"What the fuck are you doing here," I spat at him, hoping the bitterness in my voice was enough to make this daydream disappear. Too bad I would never get a response—my hallucinatory Edwards never responded. I knew the reason: my fucked up mind would make the fucked up image say he loved me, and then I would die inside when I came back to reality.

"I asked you a FUCKING question!" I screamed. I had never screamed at my illusions before, but I was just too fucking sick of them to even care that I was now. I decided to let go of all of my pent up anger from the past eleven months and direct it at the clone of its source. It kind of felt like a much needed release of every fucked-up emotion I held towards him. Oh, yes , I had developed quite the vocabulary ever since I started giving myself pep-talks, calling myself a fucked-up, unlovable piece of shit that didn't deserve the light of day. Ever since the dive, I had been even emptier than I was before. That was exactly why I hadn't left the house in months. I got all of my clothing delivered and worked from home- after all, why put people through the wretchedly unbearable task of being in my presence? I was an interior designer, which meant transforming the bare inside of some rich guy's fucking mansion into something decent to look at and live in- it paid well, though, and I've been learning to express my extreme frustration with myself in the creative process. This past month, everything had come crashing down on me—my depression had taken a turn for the worst, and now I was abusive. It had been too easy to let the cuts that the cliff had left on my body heal, I didn't deserve to heal. This was the reason they were still open, I made sure that every week that the wounds on my body became fresh again. I didn't eat anymore, save for the occasional apple I found in the fridge left from the last shipment I received of the 'fruit of the month club' that was a gift from Renee for my birthday—last year. Yep, my nineteenth birthday was spent sobbing and gasping for breath, curled up in a ball on the floor of my room.

The figment of my imagination still didn't respond, as I had expected him not to. He just stared at me, with a confused expression on his face, as if trying to figure out who I was.

"What? You've never been yelled at before? Awww, did I hurt your feelings?" My patronizing sarcasm seemed to fuel my anger, which gave me the energy to start walking towards him.

"Did I scare the poor little vampire? Did I make him want to cry?" I was now pouting out my lower lip, making a sad puppy dog face. When he honestly looked like he was about to start sobbing, I couldn't help the victorious smile that ghosted over my lips.

"Good. Because you tore my fucking heart out. You took out every fucking cell inside of me and devoured it. You stole my heart, you stole my soul—you stole my fucking _life_. You stole everything from me, you fucking bastard!" The volume of my voice had reached an impressive new level. I couldn't help it, I was so caught up in the moment and I was standing so close to his sitting figure on my bed; I took every minute particle of strength I had and slapped him across the face- _hard_.

The immediate pain in my hand was surprising, for I was expecting it to just go through him like a ghost. But when my hand struck his cold, hard, smooth skin- that's when I knew.

This Edward was _real_.


	6. Chapter 6: Breaking Point

**Happy New Year!! PLease review to get the next chapter out faster.... :)**

**

* * *

**

BPOV

_Edward, you're…I just slapped you, how is that possible? _Confusion wasn't even the proper term; I was confused multiplied by about a million. Mix that with extreme anger and rejection—you might get a fraction of what I was feeling.

I saw him—he was just sitting there. It was clear as the days were supposed to be, but had never truly been. Why was he here? Why was he here _now_? Did he forget some belonging of his? Was he going to ask for his CD back that he gave me? I don't care; I'd give it to him. I had given him everything else, so why not? Why not give him the only thing that left us connected?

"Why are you here?" The lack of emotion in my voice was frightening, even to me, and he winced at my words. I didn't even care about my attire; I was too pissed off at him.

"Because I need you."

"Bullshit." His eyes widened at my language, or maybe it was the bitterness accompanying it, but something made him wince.

Good, he deserved it.

Even though I knew it was a bit hypocritical of me to yell at him for staying here when his leaving my side was the last thing I wanted, he had to become conscious of the fact that things had changed. He needed to know that _I_ had changed. He needed to know that I knew the real reason he left.

He looked up at me with wide eyes and a hurt, perplexed expression.

"Bella, that's not true. I made a mistake. A stupid, unfair mistake that I thought would make your life better."

"I don't believe you."

"The truth is I always have loved you, and I still lo—"

"Don't you _dare_ finish that sentence."

"But I do, Bella! I do! How can you look into my eyes and say that I don't?" he sounded offended by this.

"That's exactly what you did to me."

"I know, and I'm here to explain that stupid, blasphemous lie. I love you, Isabella."

"Don't call me that. And I have every fucking right to say that you don't love me."

"Why?"

"Because, Edward."

"Because, what?" His voice was angry now. He sat up and swung his knees over the side of the bed so now his elbows rested on them while he looked at me, narrow eyed.

"Just because."

"Because why, Bella?! What goddamn reason do you have to say that I don't love you?!" He started screaming at me, Edward had never done that before.

"Someone in love doesn't take a fucking ten month vacation!" He was silent then. I mirrored his silence, although mine was hard to keep with the loud pounding of my heart.

We were in a hushed parallel plane for about twenty minutes while I paced the floor, trying to think of what I could possibly say to him. I contemplated running away, leaving him to feel what I have been feeling for these past eleven months, although it seemed like a decade: rejection. However, my noble side chose to rear its unwelcome and unbelievably irritating head and told me to stay here, deciding that this was my house and that he was not going to run me out of it.

"Bella, how can I show you that I need you? How can I make you believe me? Please. _Please._"

"You can't." His eyes brightened as he apparently thought of something convincing to say.

"I saved you." What? Did he just say he _saved_ me? This has got to be a fucking joke.

"_What _did you just say?" The intensity of my glare could have burned through the wall.

"I saved you from drowning, Bella. I'm the one that dove into the water and pulled your body out of it."

"Why?"

"Because, I couldn't bear it if you died. It's not your time to die."

"Who the _fuck_ are you to tell me when my life is or is _not_ over? What, just because you have no way of dying, you don't want to let me have a way out of_ my_ suffering?!"

That shut him up.

And then the silence was back, in full force -- and with a blisteringly agonizing burst of reality. I knew he loved me still-- I could hear it in the way he spoke to me, so full of passion and life. I could see it in the way he looked at me with the longing that only a lonely, century-old vampire could carry. He loved me.

And he _still_ left me.

"Okay, Edward. Let me ask you something."

The hope in his eyes was almost enough to deter me from my proceeding question, but I decided that he had once given me that hope-- and then he took it away.

You can only get what you give.

"You love me, you can't live without me, and you would do anything for me. Correct?" I wondered if he could hear the anger, the realization, the...the _fear_ in my voice.

"Absolutely." His response was breathless and immediate.

"Okay, then. Now, you say that this has been the only relationship you have ever had, is that right?"

"I've only ever loved you." I stalked towards him on my bed, sraddling his lap with my legs bent on the mattress. I put my arms around his neck, cradling his head to my chest. I began to speak in his hair, taking in his glorious scent.

"And you have waited 109 years for me to come along?" I began to stroke his cheek with my fingertips, which he leaned into eagerly.

"They were 39,785 nights of loneliness, Bella." His whisper was pained, his memories of always being alone flooding his mind.

"And you knew that I loved you? You knew that I trusted you completely?" I leaned down into his neck, slowly nuzzling him.

"I didn't know the extent of your feelings toward me, no. If I did, then I would have never gone. If I wasn't so stupid and afraid, then I think I would have realized the enormity of your love for me." With his confession, I broke down on the inside, my inner self completely destroyed. But I couldn't let him know that, I couldn't let him see my broken heart. I began to trail my lips up his jaw, creaing a path of ghostly kisses.

"And yet, loving me wasn't enough for you to be with me?" My defeated whisper was spoken against his skin, so close that he could feel the movement of my lips. He enclosed his arms around me suddenly, knowing I was about to pull away.

"It would have been selfish to force you to be with me, when I thought you didn't care for me as I did you."

"Well, then. I guess doing _this_," I gestured to our position, "night, after night, after night wasn't enough proof for you?"He started shaking his head violently, muttering his apologies.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I should have been stronger, I should have talked to you. And I'm so, _so_ sorry that I didn't." I took his momentary distraction as an advantage and pushed myslef out of his arms.

He looked up at me once more at me, conviction in his eyes.

"I love you, Bella."

"Don't just say you love me to spare me. You have to _mean it_. How do I know if you truly and honestly believe that you love me when you promised me you didn't?" The room was silent once more, and Edward seemed baffled by something unfathomable to me.

"But Bella, there has to be some part of you that knows I love you, right?" His voice was pleading, begging me to see him the way I used to.

Normally, I would have been crying with the intensity of these emotions, but I had been burned out. I had cried for the first two weeks of September, and I had no more tears to shed.


	7. Chapter 7:Conversations and Realizations

"Are you ever going to talk to me again?"

We had remained in silence for the last hour, and it both relieved and terrified me that he seemingly had nothing to say. Relieved because any moment he could say,"I'm leaving, and this time I will make sure to _stay_ gone." Terrified because he had not made a promise to fix me, to fix _us, _and that meant he could see how incredibly unfixable I was.

I'm not going to lie, the prospect of becoming a permanent mute held much appeal to me at the moment. After all, I didn't exactly have a line of people waiting for me to engage them in conversation. I never left the house, and noone ever came to see me. Noone ever even called me anymore, probably due to my constant passing of the ringing telephone. And on the rare occasion that I _did_ pick up the damn thing, just to relieve the constant ringing in my ears, the other line seemed to always get disconnected. Whether this was _my_ bad timing or _their_ purposeful desire to tease my need for sympathy, I did not know.

What use did my voice have if noone chose to hear it?

He stared at me during my silence, apparently waging a war inside his stupidly beautiful head. I don't know if he felt I was too far away or if he simply just wanted to irritate me even more in order to see how far I could be pushed, but he crawled onto the floor next to me, climbing down from my bed where he had previously rested. He sat next to me underneath the windowsill, mirroring my position with his knees pulled against his chest and his torso slumped forward onto them. I wanted to tell him that he needed to leave if he wanted to keep me sane. I wanted to tell him that with each breath I could hear him take next to me, my heart shattered all over again, turning my soul darker with each inhalation. I wanted to tell him to run away again and never come back because I couldn't bare to be next to him without being held in his arms, and hated so much that I couldn't trust him enough to do so. I wanted to tell him that even after all he had put me through, it was impossible to stop loving him.

I wanted to tell him all of this, but all I could manage was silence.

He leaned over towards me, and I could tell he was struggling with the desire to put his arms around me. _I_ struggled with the desire to sooth his stress by running my fingers through the hair on his bowed head, or rubbing circles on his arched back through his black Oxford. But I couldn't touch him, because I knew the second my hands came into contact with his cool body, all of my reservations would be thrown out of my window to be taken care of by the wind, and I simply could not allow that to happen.

Not again.

"Bella, why are you so afraid to talk to me?" His voice held so much sadness in its tone and it killed me that I couldn't just lean over and kiss it away. I just shrugged my shoulders and shook my head to the side, leaning it back against the wall, and knowing the reason for my fear but not wanting to say it.

"This is killing me too, Bella. It kills me to see you like this, and it absolutely _crushes_ me to know I'm the one that caused it." I scrunched my eyes in suffering, not wanting to feel his pain anymore than I wanted to feel my own.

"Sweetheart, what can I say to you? How can I make up everything I've done to you?" He sounded genuinely heartbroken as he realized that he may _never_ be able to make it up to me. He reached over to rub my shoulder but I just shook my head rapidly and squeezed my eyes shut again, communicating my need for some sort of distance.

"You won't even let me touch you? Oh _God...no_, Bella, what have I _done_ to you?" He sobbed against his hand, which he used to cover his face.

I knew what I was doing was unfair. I was causing both of us unnecessary pain by refusing his touch, and by refusing to reveal my heartbreak to him aloud. But if I did that, then he would understand _just _how desperate for him I was, and I couldn't let him see that part of me...not yet, if ever. Once he saw that, there was no guarantee he would want to stay here, not with a mess to clean up after. After a seemingly infinite amount of time pondering all of the possible outcomes of this situation, I came to a conclusion which I thought was best...for the both of us. I stood up slowly, and he followed my lead. I turned to stare out the window, already regretting my next words, but knowing I had to say them.

My voice took on an eerily quiet tone when I spoke, almost wishing he wouldn't hear me, "We can't do this again, Edward." I heard him take in a sharp breath behind me, not believing _I_ was the one suggesting our separation. When he spoke, his voice broke, something I had never heard before. I turned my head over my shoulder to look at him when he began his argument.

"But Bella, we owe each other this. After all of that pain, we deserve this relief. We both want this—we both _need _this, I know you do. I know deep down in your heart you feel the same way. I know you can't live without this." He gestured his hand between us. My voice was weak, breaking right alongside my heart.

"You're right, maybe I can't. Maybe I can't go on breathing in this world without you next to me. But I just owe it to myslef to try."

"You already _have_ tried, Bella. We _both _have. It was my own fault to let this happen and I'm sorry." He dropped to his knees and locked his arms around the back of my legs, his hands gripping the backs of my thighs. He rested his head on my abdomen, pressing his face into my stomach, before he began his pleading. His tone was infinitely anguished as he spoke his regrets.

"I'm sorry I deceived you. I'm sorry I forced you to think for so long that you weren't desperately loved by me. But you are, Bella, you are," he shook my body with his arms with the intensity of his declaration, "I love you Bella, and I can't stand to see you like this. I need to make you see the true depth of my love. We need to rediscover each other, Bella. We_ need_ to. I can't live without you. I _won't_ live without you. Please, Bella, it kills me to see you like this. Please, give me what I need!"

I looked down at his quivering form through blurry eyes, asking, "What do you need, Edward?"

"I need my Bella back." Then he started sobbing into my stomach, his grip around the back of my legs becoming tighter. I know I promised myself I wouldn't do this, but I had to. I had to give us another chance. I knotted my hands in his bronze mess of locks, and held him tightly to me as I started crying with him.

"Is there anything I can do? Just tell me, please, and I'll do it. I'll do anything. Please , just let me take care of you, Bella. Let me love you. I need you to believe that I love you. I need you to know how I want you. I need you to believe how much I need you. _Please_, Bella, _please_. I love you, _so much_."

It tore my soul in two to see the man I loved so broken, so..._defeated_. Could I let him love me again? Could I trust him again? Could I trust _myself _enough to let him know I love him as well?

I didn't know the answer to any of these questions, but it didn't matter.

All that mattered was that I would give us another chance.

* * *

**Hello my lovely, wonderful, loyal readers!!! Sorry it has been so long...as you know I am not the best updater. Please review to let me know what you think!!!! :)**


End file.
